Dear Richard Madeley: ‘My husband neglected to tell me about his vasectomy, can I ever forgive him?’ –

Dear Richard

My husband somehow neglected to tell me abouthis vasectomy

I recently married what I thought was the man of my dreams, only to discover that hed had a vasectomy during his first marriage and not told me. We didnt explicitly talk about children but I had always wanted a family. It seems he did not (he says there was no pressure from his first wife). I feel disillusioned and, implicitly at least, lied to. Right now I want to get a divorce. Am I being hasty?

Kay, via email

Well, a straight question deserves a straight answer: yes, you are. But thatdoesnt mean I dont strongly sympathise with you: this dream guy should have told you hed had a vasectomy, and it was remiss of him not to. Just turn the situation around for a moment. Supposing you knew you were infertile? Of course youd share that fact with the man you were about to marry. If you didnt, hed be justified in feeling aggrieved and misled when he found out later.

Im surprised the two of you left it until after the wedding for an explicit conversation about having children. Why was this? Could it be that both of you were nervous about bringing it up? Did you think it might put the other off the idea of marriage? That might explain your husbands failure to be frank with you. If you were both back-pedalling on the subject, his omission falls into context.

But you are where you are married, with a problem. I honestly dont believe divorce is the answer; there are far more positive options open to you both. Vasectomies can be reversed, usually with a 50 per cent success rate within 15 years of the original operation, though it falls slightly after that. Even if a reversal fails, it is possible to remove sperm directly from the testes and use them in IVF treatment.

So you have reasons to be cheerful, Kay. Try to put your husbands lack of frankness behind you and move forward into parenthood, if thats what you both want. Good luck!

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Dear Richard Madeley: 'My husband neglected to tell me about his vasectomy, can I ever forgive him?' -

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